Olivia Munn is very comely and all, but her new “I’m in your face! Rarr! I say cuss words! And isn’t it SO CRAZY that I’m female and like video games? I’m so out there!!!!’ persona has worn out its welcome. She’s like Jenny McCarthy with an Xbox. Regardless, here she is in the new issue of GQ magazine, perpetuating her schtick. The wrinkled nose and opened mouth pose is kind of a head-scratcher. She looks disgusted with herself for doing a Liz Lemon dance move with her bra hanging out of her shirt while simultaneously smelling an open sewer. Which, coincidentally, is the same move that Snooki uses to lure guido juiceheads into her crispy-tanned pickletrap.
I’ve been entertaining the idea that Lindsay Lohan slipped the cocaine into Paris Hilton’s purse. Think about it. She just got out of jail and is dying to get the heat off her. Who better than Paris to take a fall and take over the negative headlines? No one would miss her, and besides, she’s already been to jail. She’ll be welcomed back with open shivs and toilet beer! Lindsay, on the other hand, is trying to stir up some good press in the new issue of Vanity Fair. The interview was conducted before she went to the hoosegow, and hoo boy, is it ever funny. Here are a few snippets:
“If I were the alcoholic everyone says I am, then putting a [SCRAM] bracelet on would have ended me up in detox, in the emergency room, because I would have had to come down from all the things that people say I’m taking and my father says I’m taking – so that says something, because I was fine.”
“I’ve never abused prescription drugs. I never have – never in my life. I have no desire to. That’s not who I am. I’ve admitted to the things that I’ve done – to, you know, dabbling in certain things and trying things ’cause I was young and curious and thought it was like, okay, ’cause other people were doing it and other people put it in front of me. And I see what happened in my life because of it.”
“I want my career back. I know that I’m a damn good actress, and it’s been my passion since I was a child, and I know that when I care about something, I put 100 percent and more into it. … I want the respect that I had when I was doing great movies.
Lindsay Lohan is a damn good actress who has done great movies and never used drugs? Is this Vanity Fair or MAD magazine? Hm. There is a freckled redhead on the cover. God, now I’m completely confused.
Hot on the heels of their Lady Gaga buns cover, here’s Rolling’s Stone’s True Blood buns cover! This time there are two butts! And bonus Skarsgard abs! Allow me to take a moment to point out the hilarity of three people covered in brownish splatter underneath Chuck Berry’s name. And here’s an excerpt from the accompanying article:
The cast of HBO’s True Blood not only strip down for the new Rolling Stone — they also bare all about shooting the show’s racy sex scenes.
Says Alexander Skarsgard (who plays sexy vamp Eric): “I don’t want a sock around it, that feels ridiculous. If we’re naked in the scene, then I’m naked. I’ve always been that way.”
Anna Paquin says she covers up — somewhat. She reveals that she wears a “patch” – a thong-like attire with the sides cut off – while filming nude scenes as her character Sookie Stackhouse.
As for her costar (and real-life fiance) Stephen Moyer ( Bill Compton)? He wears a sock on set — out of consideration for others.
“I’ve got nothing to hide,” he says. “I just think it might be embarrassing for the crew.”
That’s also the reason I choose to wear a burqini to the local community pool. It’s not that I don’t want to show my jawdropping body off–honestly, I’d love to–I just don’t want to make everyone else feel inadequate, see.
Lindsay Lohan was released from prison early due to overcrowding and good behavior, and now it looks like she’ll be released from rehab early as well. Why? According to a new interview with Lindsay’s creepy orange mom, it’s because the entire universe has a vendetta against her luminous genius of a child and she’s not supposed to be in there in the first place. I hear that’s also why people were so mean to Mark David Chapman. In the meantime, in case you’re suffering from a bout of acute freckle withdrawal, Lindso is all over the new issue of Maxim, making that strange, lips-parted-knitted-brow look she does. It kind of looks like when my mom is trying to figure out how to send a text message. Here’s a sample of the interview:
What is your advice to others about how to cope with adversity? Stay true to yourself always. At the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and be content with the choices you’ve made, and will make, in your life. Go with your gut!
Because going with her gut has worked out so well for Lindsay these past six years.
Lindsay’s brain: “I don’t know. I’m thinking maybe getting drunk, blowing a few rails, then stealing an SUV and crashing it in to a curb might not be the best idea.”
Lindsay’s gut: “Actually, doll, it’s a real peach of a plan, ya see?”
Two years ago, most people would have gladly given up a lung and six to eight fingers to lay eyes on one glistening Megan Fox muff strand. And what’s weird is that it actually could have happened and yet nobody noticed. I admit that I dropped the ball on this one, but everybody knows I’m a third tier gossip blog that gets my stories from TMZ like everybody else. Plus I have this Let’s Play Ballerina for Nintendo DS addiction that severely limits and cripples my posting. What’s your excuse, Egotastic? How about you, Yeeeah? Where were you in 2008, Celebitchy? Obviously not at the FHM shoot in which Megan Fox pulled down her drawers and flashed some pudenda landing strip. Listen, I’m not going to punish you guys for not catching it. This time. I’d rather you sit and think about what you’ve done, and how you’ve hurt me, personally. Good day. I said good day.
In case you didn’t know, Katy Perry has a close, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Most evenings you’ll find them out on the veranda, sipping virgin mint juleps and discussing how distasteful Lady Gaga videos are. Katy was raised in a strict Christian home, but don’t worry–her parents weren’t weirdos or anything. She had a normal, average upbringing full of the usual stuff, like snake-handling and Kool-Aid with extra cyanide. She’s in the new Rolling Stone and says:
Speaking in tongues is as normal to me as ‘Pass the salt,’” Perry tells the magazine. “A lot of religions use meditation or chanting. It’s a secret, direct prayer language to God. My dad speaks in tongues and my mom interprets it. That’s their gift.”
Perry’s parents are both freelance ministers and Perry tells the magazine how her family struggled financially.
“Sometimes we ate from the same food bank we used to feed our congregation and I was very embarrassed by that.”
Perry says her parents were strict. “I wasn’t ever able to say I was ‘lucky’ because my mother would rather us say that we were blessed, and she also didn’t like that lucky sounded like Lucifer. Devilled eggs were called ‘angelled’ eggs. I wasn’t allowed to eat Lucky Charms, but I think that was the sugar. I think my mom lied to me about that one.”
Welp, I guess now we know why Katy grew up to sing songs about Chapstick lesbianism, shoot Cool Whip rockets out of her boobs in videos, and get engaged to a former junkie. The normal Christian girls I grew up with only huffed Wite-Out and got pregnant by black guys. Ho hum.
The new issue of Star reportedly features topless pics of Angelina Jolie after a drug binge. Stars: they’re just like us? (Bumpshack)
CNW will be on vacation, so no updates this Thursday and Friday. We’ll return Monday, August 2nd for our regularly scheduled colostomy jokes.
George Clooney’s girlfriend Elisabetta Cannalis is involved with a coke n’ hookers scandal! Whee! (Celebitchy)
More topless Paris Hilton pictures. Jeez. Well all know she’s rich. Buy a shirt, why dontcha. (Nudography)
Miranda Kerr is rumored to be pregnant with Orlando Bloom’s half-pixie baby. Whether true or false, this news does not impact your life in any way. (The Blemish)
Are there sex tapes featuring Khloe Kardashian’s Patrick Bateman-esque beau, Scott Disick? Well, why wouldn’t there be? (Pop on the Pop)
Here are some pictures of Natalie Portman from Black Swan, which is great news if you have a thing for She-Ra makeup on ladies. (Yeeeah!)
Diablo Cody had a baby boy. Expect some ultra-precious and vomity hip baby talk TK. (Bitten and Bound)
The Hulkster’s ex, Linda Hogan, is engaged to her 21-year-old pet boy. She has a type: bleachy. (The Superficial)
Katy Perry puts on a latex bikini to promote her new album. Why? I don’t know. I guess she likes to sweat. (Daily Stab)
A bunch of pics of Nicole Kidman nude. Print them out and play Memory! (Cityrag)
Zac Efron dropped $2000 on strippers. Which is only half his lip gloss budget so everything’s cool. (Jezebel)
Gwyneth Paltrow releases another song for a movie. No Huey Lewis? Then I ain’t listenin’. (Lainey)
A scant four months ago, FHM named Kim Kardashian as having the “best body on Earth”. And in the August issue, they finger Marisa Miller as being “Earth’s sexiest woman”. Personally I would like to know who gave FHM the authority to speak on behalf of our entire planet. Last time I was hanging out in the lower Omo River valley in Ethiopia, I met this Mursi chick with a lip plate that was 20 centimeters in diameter. You can’t tell me Marisa Miller can compete with that. The Mursi lady’s dowry was worth seven goats and 1 full hectare of fertile land. What’s Marisa Miller got besides big cans? I rest my case.
Oh, is that Katy Perry? I didn’t recognize her without white stuff foaming out of her tits while she mimes a double BJ. Here is the “California Gurls (sic)” singer on the cover of the August issue of Esquire. However, you’ll remember Esquire as the magazine that specifically wanted Scarlett Johansson for their “Women We Love” cover but then had to make do with junky old Christina Hendricks instead. so who knows who Katy’s standing in for here? Sure, we’re seeing her semi-topless and busty as all get out, but keep in mind that she’s probably just second choice. First choice was probably Megan Fox and Olivia Munn having a naked tickle fight on the back of a winged snow leopard, and yet you’re touching yourself to this. Look at you now. You repulse me.
Andrew McCarthy would likely trade his Kim Cattrall for one of these: it’s Megan Fox, posing with a mannequin in the new issue of Interview. These are fantastic photographs! This is the first time we’ve seen Megan without clothes OR legs. And it’s good to see her showing some range of emotion for once. Which I could say the same for that crappy wooden mannequin in the clothes.
Olivia Munn is very comely and all, but her new “I’m in your face! Rarr! I say cuss words! And isn’t it SO CRAZY that I’m female and like video games? I’m so out there!!!!’ persona has worn out its welcome. She’s like Jenny McCarthy with an Xbox. Regardless, here she is in the new issue of GQ magazine, perpetuating her schtick. The wrinkled nose and opened mouth pose is kind of a head-scratcher. She looks disgusted with herself for doing a Liz Lemon dance move with her bra hanging out of her shirt while simultaneously smelling an open sewer. Which, coincidentally, is the same move that Snooki uses to lure guido juiceheads into her crispy-tanned pickletrap.
