Mr. Skin has the full report on the nudity in the soon-to-be-released Robert Rodriguez movie Machetehere. Mayra Leal and Alicia Rachel Marek both get naked, but in spite of early reports to the contrary, the Lindsay Lohan nudity is always obscured by hair, an arm, or another person entirely. Curses! Meanwhile, a clip from the first five minutes of Machete leaked to the internet today. We’re waiting for the studio to act outraged, even though it hasn’t opened yet, and the quality of the clip is obviously not from some churl sitting in a theater with an cell phone camera. And it just so happens that the clip features an action that is likely to generate a little chatter; namely, Eva Mendes lookalike Leal standing naked and cunningly pulling a cell phone out of her cooter. And why wouldn’t she, I mean, those things vibrate deliciously and the iPap app makes the yearly gyno exam obsolete.
Hannah Montana starring in a new movie called LOL: Laughing Out Loud? That sounds nice. You picture chaste, God-fearing Miley Cyrus in a feel-good film in which she learns that growing up comes with learning some important lessons–and in the end, the people who love you are the only thing that matters. You’d imagine there will be at least one scene in which Miley and her mom sit on a porch swing, resting their heads on each other. You’d be totally wrong, because she’s going to be smoking blunts, kissing chicks, and waxing her chalupa. PopEater describes LOL’s plot:
Cyrus’ character [Lola] loses her virginity, smokes pot, gets wasted and kisses two girlfriends on the lips. Her character even accidentally shows her mom Ana, played by actress Demi Moore, her Brazilian wax. “You’re my daughter, and I won’t let you turn into a porn star!” Ana tells Lola.
Man. Billy Ray is going to be really upset when he sees this. It’s going to break his heart. His achy, breaky heart.
Some people want a movie to change their lives and world view. Some want to laugh, some want to cry. Some want to pay $11 to sit in the dark and talk and text. But I think we can all agree that it’s been a while since we’ve had a film in which ladies got their breasts nibbled on by carnivorous fish after wiping their crotches together underwater. In some new leaked footage from the upcoming Piranha 3-D, Kelly Brook gets very naked, another topless lady gets chopped in half, and to top it all off, it’s in 3-D. They might as well call it Piranha 36-DD. Do you get it? Huh? Do you get it? Pretty good, right? Right?
Olivia Wilde is a vegan. That means she’s really regular. Similarly, she regularly takes her clothes off yet leaves the most special parts either covered, or Photoshopped out. She’s presently filming a movie called Cowboys & Aliens, which sounds kind of Pixar-y, but according to costar Adam Beach, she will be doing her covered nude thing. Again. He told the Toronto Sun:
“We just finished shooting Olivia Wilde naked in front of a bonfire in front of 500 Apache warriors,” Beach said. “That was beautiful. You won’t get to see what I saw, but you’ll get a glimpse.”
Asked about the nude scene, Wilde laughed. “Did Adam Beach talk to you? Adam Beach is the best. Last night, we did a scene where I’m naked in front of a group of couple hundred Apache. Pretty amazing, pretty interesting.”
To celebrate the occasion, the Apache wanted to give Olivia an official Native American name, but were unable to choose between Teases With Seitan and Prances Without Nipples.
Back when you were a child and you saw E.T. for the first time, did you have any idea that adorable little blonde Gertie would grow up to show her cans to David Letterman and then talk about phone sex and naked men? You didn’t? Because I totally did. I saw those pigtails and was like, “inside, there beats the heart of an insatiable perv–” OK, I don’t know where I’m going with this joke but it’s gross. Drew Barrymore is interviewed in the new issue of Nylon, and she has a few things to say about simulating phone sex in her new movie, boyfriend Justin Long’s nude scene in said movie, and jeans. Via Popeater:
“You know, phone sex going awry is just a funny concept to me and I thought, This is going to be one of those scenes where we have to go balls out, and if it doesn’t work, it’s going to be editing room floor crap.”
“It’s funny because usually it’s the girl who’s naked. I was like, ‘That’s right, bitch. The tables are turned!’ ”
“I never have time for shopping… I’ve been wearing the same fucking pair of jeans for 10 years.”
Well, at least they’re a fucking pair. Look at where these abstinence jeans have gotten me this past decade. Nowhere, that’s where.
Ashton Kutcher is insufferable. I used “Kutchers” as a catchall term for overly-groomed, self-consciously charismatic dudes who probably don’t have souls. Think Ashton in the camera commercial and you’ll have a good notion of what Kutchers are like. If you need another example, how about this quote from Ashton himself in regards to the movie he just wrapped. Via PopEater, the Kutch said:
“I just finished a film called ‘The F–k Buddies,’ that may not ultimately be called ‘F–k Buddies.’ I don’t know why — I think people would love to go see a movie called ‘The F–k Buddies.’ I think if I saw a poster and it said ‘The F–k Buddies,’ I’d be like, ‘I’m in, I’m going to see it.’ That should be the title. I’m shooting for that.”
God, he’s pretty proud of the f-word, isn’t he? He’s probably got calluses on his back from patting it so much. I’m not buying it, and neither is Natalie Portman. Via Celebitchy:
It seems Natalie Portman thinks Ashton Kutcher is a twit. While shooting Friends With Benefits [originally titled Fuck Buddies,] last spring, Kutcher and Portman – who played hookup buddies in the comedy – “couldn’t stand each other,” says a set source.
Kutcher “talks about his Twitter all day and thinks highly of himself,” continues the insider. And Harvard grad Portman wasn’t impressed.
“She would do her scenes then head back to her trailer and read books or scripts,” says the source. “She had no interest in hanging out with Ashton.”
Yeah, “Harvard grad” Portman was probably too busy being a Harvard grad. Ashton was like, “Hey Natalie! Wanna come to my trailer and watch me buff my chest with Bliss Spa’s sugar scrub and play with my Nikon Coolpix?” and she was like, “No, I must translate Kierkegaard into Urdu. Begone, cur.”
Before Lindsay Lohan got the job (it still feels weird to say that), Anna Faris was tipped to play Linda Lovelace in Inferno. It’s a drag that we’ll never hear the voice of Jeanette the Chipette and Sam from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs say the line: “I love it when my man Chuck socks it to me in the ass,” but luckily Anna is a game sport and is giving us a decent consolation prize in the form of her naked butt. These shots of her and costar Chris Evans were taken while filming What’s Your Number? in Boston, and some people are debating their authenticity, claiming that this might actually be a rear shot of a body double. Luckily, we have some Faris bare-ass shots to fall back on here, so you should be able to do some scientific studies and determine if that’s Anna or not. What, you don’t own a crackometer or a pneumatic cheek torsion gauge? You probably don’t have an iPad either. Dick.
As evidenced by our Helen Mirren nude pics thread from earlier in the week, several of you have objections to incredibly sexy and talented actresses without their clothes on. “My eyes!” you wail. “NO THANKS!” you shout. Logically we must conclude that you have no penis, then. So to coax your kitty dong out of its depressing torpor, here’s more on Goddess Helen’s sex scenes from Love Ranch. Her husband directed them. No fooling. Popeater says:
“When you come to a moment where you have to see her and Sergio get it on, it’s really important that it works. They understand as actors,” [Helen's real life spouse Taylor] Hackford tells Movieline. “To me, it wasn’t my wife I had to worry about; Helen will go for whatever. It was Sergio. Think about that: He’s acting with an actress who’s married to the guy behind the camera. He’s got to put his hands on her breasts. He’s got to [do] the things that make it real.”
Now that’s a refreshing attitude. “Cut! Sorry, Sergio? I don’t see a semi. You need to make it real, you know? Think about your character’s motivation in this sce–what’s that, Helen? No, love, your moaning is spot-on. And yes, I remembered to put my wet towel back on the rack. Now Sergio, about that wood–”
After we all saw Mean Girls, we wanted to see a lot more of this Lindsay Lohan person. Back then, we were all, “Gosh, I’d like to see her as the fumbling but well-meaning assistant to a hard-nosed exec in a romantic comedy” or “Gee, but I’d like to see her as a spunky New Yorker trying to make it as the new wife of a farmer in a zany farce.” Never did we think, “Man, I’d like to see her getting her boob fondled by a guy singing Mary Poppins songs.” But with Inferno, that’s what we’re getting. Jezebel got a copy of the script, which includes Lindsay-as-Linda-Lovelace calling herself ugly while abusive beau Chuck Traynor fingers her, waxing poetic on “sucking a footlong cock”, and wagging her butt in a dog’s face. More excerpts here:
LINDA: “To me, there is nothing more delicious than gism. I love it! I like to smear it all over my face like Ponds Cold Cream!”
LINDA, IN THE GRAY ROOM: “I once took on a pro football team–and I don’t just mean two at a time! I mean more!”
LINDA, IN THE MAUVE ROOM: “Is there anything in this life I like more than cocksucking? Okay. Well, one thing. On OCCASION.
PUSH IN for the two beats of big build-up.
LINDA: “I love it when my man Chuck socks it to me in the ass.”
Keep in mind that Lindsay swears this movie is not pornographic and she Tweeted that it was a “beautiful script”. Reading it, we can agree. Getting socked in the ass is so beautiful that Edgar Degas should have painted it instead of ballerinas. At the church down the street, they’re having a bake sale to make money for the new ass-socking stained glass window.
Did you used to love Doggie Chow, too? Terrific, because Showgirls is celebrating it’s 15th anniversary by releasing the “Sinsational” edition of the movie for the first time on Blu-Ray. Not only does that mean you can ogle Cristal Connors’s nipples in glorious high definition, but unfortunately, one very important part was cut out of the Blu-Ray. Specifically: Nomi’s noni. According to Mr. Skin:
The T&A technicians at the Skin Laboratories have now isolated a never-before-seeable moment in which star Elizabeth Berkley,as Showgirls’ ass-stomping heroine Nomi Malone, delivers a roundhouse kick to the bad guy and exposes her showiest of girl parts in the process.
However, it wasn’t the Blu-ray that made this mouth-watering moment possible: Elizabeth’s vaginal flash is only visible on the HD-TV version of Showgirls.
After the cut, Check out a side-by-side comparison of the scene in its regular appearance (left) and from HD-TV (right, and not even remotely safe for work.)
And here’s the big picture. Click for full size and watch it in animated gif form! It’s as cool as the walking pot leaf. If only it were scratch n’ sniff.
Mr. Skin has the full report on the nudity in the soon-to-be-released Robert Rodriguez movie Machete here. Mayra Leal and Alicia Rachel Marek both get naked, but in spite of early reports to the contrary, the Lindsay Lohan nudity is always obscured by hair, an arm, or another person entirely. Curses! Meanwhile, a clip from the first five minutes of Machete leaked to the internet today. We’re waiting for the studio to act outraged, even though it hasn’t opened yet, and the quality of the clip is obviously not from some churl sitting in a theater with an cell phone camera. And it just so happens that the clip features an action that is likely to generate a little chatter; namely, Eva Mendes lookalike Leal standing naked and cunningly pulling a cell phone out of her cooter. And why wouldn’t she, I mean, those things vibrate deliciously and the iPap app makes the yearly gyno exam obsolete.
